#12: The Millennium Falcon was brainwashed by Hydra during ESB

Straight from a disturbing part of our subconscious, it’s . . .

The Top Eleven Plot Twists We Want To See in The Last Jedi

11. The heroes get into a fierce sabers-vs.-blasters fight, but Mara Jade comes out of nowhere, tells Luke, “I got your back, hon”, and turns the tide. WOOHOO!

10. Kylo Ren either grows a spine or gets over himself.

9. A battle for an orbital robotics factory ends with the factory exploding, with droids and droid bits spraying in all directions. Stopping the DVD at the right frame reveals: droidekas, V.I.N.CENT, Bender.

8. While dealing with her late husband’s belongings, Leia finds Han’s stash of C/7 Voyager fanfiction.

7. There’s a subplot about trade disputes and it’s absolutely gripping.

6. Finn goes to Endor’s moon to recuperate from trauma he feels because of all the evil things he did as a stormtrooper, and finds he shares a love of show tunes with Wicket III. And yes, that leads to the final celebratory scene at the end of the trilogy in exactly the way you expect.

5. “Shoot, Rey! SHOOOOOOOOOOT!”

4. Snoke turns out to be a fist-sized human-salamander hybrid who just sits really close to the holoprojector.

3. Artoo dresses up as Darth Vader for Halloween Death Day and totally scares the stuffing out of everyone.

2. Remember all that nonsense about midichlorians boosting your Force powers? Turns out that was just propaganda from the eugenics-industrial complex.

1. Luke has no deep philosophical convictions about wanting the Jedi to end. He’s just been depressed since the last Quizno’s within a parsec closed its doors.

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Bats vs. Supes: The List Also Rises

Unperturbed by thoughts of “Shouldn’t I wait until I’ve seen it?”, it’s . . .

The Top Eight Unexpected Events in Batman vs. Superman

8. The appearance of an actual character named Dawn, hailing from Justice, Michigan, who shows up in a news interview for about two seconds and is never heard of again.

7. Every time that guy who interrupts Bruce and Clark in the trailer shows up without getting punched in the face.

6. Superman gives Jimmy Olsen an Apple Watch to contact him with. (Honorable mention: the discovery that the new Batmobile is made by Honda.)

5. Millions of nerds completely fail to have an aneurysm at the sight of Ben Affleck as Batman. Wait, no, I saw that coming.

5. This version of Bruce Wayne explains that he chose his theme because he went to the Halloween store on November 3rd, and the choices were down to “bat” or “sexy ladybug”.

4. When Metropolis is destroyed again, its residents actually take the hint and move out to other cities that won’t be threatened by supervillains and natural disasters five times a year.

3. Superman and Batman slug it out over whether Black Widow or Pepper Potts is hotter, but stop fighting because they discover they both enjoy vacationing at Martha’s Vineyard.

2. Our first sight of stately Wayne Manor, revealing that because of the economy, it’s been downgraded to cozy Wayne half-of-a-Duplex.

1. Despite its title, most of the movie follows Lois Lane vs. The High-Pressure Toaster Salesman Of Doom.

#4 Will Shock You

Several weeks late, it’s . . .

The Seven Weirdest Things About Star Wars VII

7. The baby Sarlacc dancers for the big musical number. You may think I should have listed C-3PO’s dreamy ballad instead, but this list is about weird, not creepy.

6. Maximilian challenging BB-8 to an arm-wrestling contest. It’s a funny scene, don’t get me wrong, and Disney certainly isn’t above plugging other movies in their movies. I’m just surprised that someone remembered that The Black Hole exists.

5. The “murder in the cantina” sequence. (“Cantina” is Star Wars for “bar” just like “lightsaber” is Star Wars for “We are gonna make so much money off of merchandising this thing.”) Some nerdy-looking aliens in a corner of the room all stand up and fire their blasters at a man who has just entered. Then they go over and spit and stomp on him. The man’s death is prolonged and gruesome and entirely disconnected from the surrounding movie. Who was he? Why did they kill him? Was it because he was wearing flannel? Was that supposed to signify something?

4. Speaking of lightsabers, it might be that too much exposure to their radiation turns your hair funny colors. That’s the only reason I can think of for Luke’s hair being purple in this movie. The white facepaint, maniacal laugh, and obsession with destroying Batman are anyone’s guess.

3. Chris Hemsworth drunkenly wandering around in the background of Kylo Ren and Darth Teriordesign’s first meeting, complaining about how nobody cares about Thor. I get why Chris would do that, but it’s puzzling that the production team didn’t use a different, Chris-less take. At the very least, they could have cut away before he started sobbing.

2. At the very end, as the protagonists are celebrating their victory over the squid invasion, R2-D2 bites Jar-Jar, and Jar-Jar sprouts a transistor and howls at the moon. Weredroids are a thing now?

1. The total absence of lens flares.