Straight from a disturbing part of our subconscious, it’s . . .
The Top Eleven Plot Twists We Want To See in The Last Jedi
11. The heroes get into a fierce sabers-vs.-blasters fight, but Mara Jade comes out of nowhere, tells Luke, “I got your back, hon”, and turns the tide. WOOHOO!
10. Kylo Ren either grows a spine or gets over himself.
9. A battle for an orbital robotics factory ends with the factory exploding, with droids and droid bits spraying in all directions. Stopping the DVD at the right frame reveals: droidekas, V.I.N.CENT, Bender.
8. While dealing with her late husband’s belongings, Leia finds Han’s stash of C/7 Voyager fanfiction.
7. There’s a subplot about trade disputes and it’s absolutely gripping.
6. Finn goes to Endor’s moon to recuperate from trauma he feels because of all the evil things he did as a stormtrooper, and finds he shares a love of show tunes with Wicket III. And yes, that leads to the final celebratory scene at the end of the trilogy in exactly the way you expect.
5. “Shoot, Rey! SHOOOOOOOOOOT!”
4. Snoke turns out to be a fist-sized human-salamander hybrid who just sits really close to the holoprojector.
3. Artoo dresses up as Darth Vader for
Halloween Death Day and totally scares the stuffing out of everyone.
2. Remember all that nonsense about midichlorians boosting your Force powers? Turns out that was just propaganda from the eugenics-industrial complex.
1. Luke has no deep philosophical convictions about wanting the Jedi to end. He’s just been depressed since the last Quizno’s within a parsec closed its doors.